Forgiving

Sunday, they had a huge fight. What made this particular fight so crazy, so stand-off, so dramatic? It was silent. Very few words were said between them...out loud. But their hearts, their hearts yelled, screamed, cursed, and fought harder than Indians under attack by the white men. They both felt it. Neither did anything about it.

She cried, and cried, and fell into depression within a matter of minutes. Her heart felt as if the battle and entire war had just been lost. Her best friend, her lover, her forever, was gone. Just like that. She wanted to be left alone, but then again she just wanted someone to sit with her while she cried....just sit and watch the sun set on this terrible silent day she had just experienced.

He was mad. Not sure why, he had done exactly what he wanted that day. Gone home, done what he wanted, with whom he wanted. But deep down he was just mad. He had wanted to see her ever since he left but time had just not been on his side. He felt awful...he missed her, but what was he to do.
They spent 3 days in silence. Neither of their hearts could overcome the pride and talk to the other one. It seemed as if they would be void of each other forever....

Finally on day four he had missed her humor, excitedness, and smile long enough. He text her from work. He knew he was in for it, and he was prepared to apologize and crawl on hands and knees back into her life. But, surprisingly to him there she was waiting patiently with arms wide open. I knew you would come back for me, deep down, my heart knew we could stand more than just one fight. We have a better, stronger bond than that, I just needed you here, in front of me, inviting back into your life. I never need elegant gifts or extravagant words. I just need you and an I'm sorry.

No longer are their hearts alone and in pain from fighting and losing the war with one another. But back to where they are supposed to be...together.

<3

Nothing Like This

[I'm not into the idea of living without you]

There's nothing in my life,
I'd say I regret,
But there's something in your eyes that makes me forget,
The times that I believed that love was good as love could be,
I had it all, but I was wrong.

Thought I'd been touched,
Thought I'd been kissed,
Thought I'd been loved,
But it was nothing like this.

You can't describe the sea,
Unless you been there before.
It's just a mystery,
Until your standing on the shore,
And moved by every wave
Taking your breath away like you do,
To me.

Thought I'd been touched,
Thought I'd been kissed,
Thought I'd been loved,

But it was nothing nothing like this.

It's like another life,
Like I haven't felt a thing, until you.

Thought I'd been touched,
Thought I'd been kissed,
Thought I'd been loved,
But it was nothing like this.

 

He's been gone almost 5 days now...my bestfriend. 5 days since he pulled out of the driveway and left me sitting there. I cried oceans of tears and was mad as a wet hen in winter, but non of that is going to make him return. He said he would be different and I said he was lying, but you know...maybe he is going to be the one who proves 1 out of 100 is different. I long to spend time with him, hear his voice, see his face...I long to be with him even if it is just laying there, silent, doing nothing. Because doing absolutley nothing with him is way better than doing anything with any of the others. He's different all right, because when I am with him that's not a fake smile or a fake laugh. I don't have to tell myself to have fun....it. just. happens. Who knows what God has in store for me, for him, for us(?) in the future...I hope it involves us being best friends forever. Up to the very end, until our journey ends. I may find love in someone else, friends in others, and happiness elsewhere in the future...but I know it will be nothing like this. Nothing like being with him on a Sunday afternoon, Friday night, or anytime anywhere, I've had people care, people laugh with me, and people love me....but its nothing like this...with him.

<3

what if...

"& at the end of the day, we only focus on what holds us together or what separates us..."

What if? We ask ourselves this question everyday...or I know I do. I would love to say that I never second guess what I do in my life and that I know what I am doing all the time. However, this is just not the case...very rarely, if ever, do I ever know what I am doing. I've been through hell, in hell, and back to hell with my life...non of it by desire only by circumstances. But isn't that how everything is done? Circumstances control our choices, and choices control our lives. Many time I look at my life and I think "Wow, this is really screwed up." But is it really? Or is it maybe, just maybe my circumstances, my choices, my hellish background, has put me exactly where God wants me? And I have to again think "What if?" What if my parents had never gotten divorced? I definitely would have never become the woman I am now. I would still be a scarred little girl with no dreams of her own and no idea of what the world could offer. What if I had never given Brandon a chance? [This I think about a lot] and honestly, I would have no idea what love can feel like. I also would have no idea of how strong I can be during heart break... yeah, he was a powerful, wild, and wonderful chance that I am glad I took. It made me see what love could be. What if I had never moved to Rome? This my friends is one of the BIGGEST what ifs in my life, if it is not THE biggest. I always wonder what if I had moved somewhere else? Maybe things at home wouldn't have been so hard...maybe had I stayed home I wouldn't have been so lonely, friendless, lifeless for so long. Maybe I wouldn't have had so many people walk out on me, so many friends stab my back, a lot less downs with more ups. But then what if I hadn't moved? I wouldn't have met one of the most AMAZING, strongest, most talented girls I know {{{La-A}}} and become best friends with her. I wouldn't have an amazing church family and be so close to a wonderful youth minister and his wife....not to mentor some awesome girls. maybe I would have never known if I could handle moving from home. I had to jump...just to see, and results = it's hard, it's really hard but I DID it. feat, beat. And lastly, maybe I would have never met Christopher Glen Simmons...and maybe I would have never had a family like I have with him, a best friend I have in him, and a new found love of life I find because of him. Sometimes I look at him and I think "what if" I had actually gone through with my plans a year ago. Plans to be sitting with Jesus in heaven right now...what if the cutting had taken control of me and the depression ended it all. Tonight, I laid on his bed watching TV with him and looked into his eyes as he told me he was leaving as early as Sunday...and all I could think was what if I never get to lay here with you again and tears filled my eyes. Because just like I am glad my circumstances led me away from the choice to end everything last year...I am glad my circumstances led to the choice of befriending him last September. It really has made my entire life different. And now as I lay here writing, I think what if tonight was the last time we hang out or the last time I ever see my best friend...will I be able to handle that circumstance? Yes, because as I write this, I think of everything I have been through and all we have talked about and done together and how close we have become. And I feel as if its just going to be another adventure for us, together...a what if that we never regret. Hopefully a what if we never look back on and second guess, but a what if that we see bringing us closer. He's not running away and leaving like all the rest, only doing, for him, what is best...

<3