Look! Look! ... tears.

Memories, they can hit you at the most random times. They can bring the biggest heartache one can bear in a single moment....a split second, a single thought, the sight of something seen a million times before; these things can tear you apart within no time.

My favorite thing is to see the sun setting. The colors bold, bright, and warming up the entire sky...makes my heart feel more than anything else in the world.

Tonight, driving home from getting takeout, I saw the sunsetting for the 7000th time; but tonight it was a memory that the sun set on. Tonight I was reminded on the summer of 2011 when I would run screaming at Jon Hardin or text him yelling in excitement....and I went to grab my phone (which I had left at home by mistake) to text him and say "Look! Look! The sky is beautiful!!! :)" Bursting into tears, I thought of all the comebacks he would have sent to me in that moment. As tears streaked my face and my vision of that sunset blurred my heart missed him SO much. I still miss so much, everyday. No matter how much I ignore the fact that he is gone, or I am hurting, or that those things will never change....I still miss him.

If only text messages could reach Heaven and be sent back down....maybe then the loss of someone I love so much wouldn't hurt so bad.

<3

Screaming to the Deaf

Do you remember being alone and getting hurt. And not just ouch, I broke a nail hurt...really hurt. Remember screaming out for someone to help; but, those screams falling on silence. I once heard the phrase "screams fall on deaf ears" - ignorance one could say - even those screams are better than the screams that fall with no one around. At least with someone who is "deaf", they can see someone screaming.

I thought for the longest time my screams were falling upon "deaf" ears. I thought they could at least see me hurting, they could see my pain, the tears being held back in my eyes as I passed them by. I thought they could see the makeup held so much more than just skin imperfections under-wraps.

Turns out, my screams are falling upon nothing. No one is listening, no one is watching, no one there. I'm alone, hurt, scared, and no one can hear or see me screaming. My throat is bleeding and dry, aching. My eyes swollen and scarlet from the tears that no longer come but my body still heaves to produce. The ability to breath takes greater effort with each passing day as each moment my heart is heavier on my lungs. As my heart breaks more and more, the darkness closes in...

Try again?

I've never wanted to totally give up before...never. On anything. Not even on simple things. But these days, I just want to fold....raise the white flag on my life and surrender. I'm tired of fighting so hard for what I know I could do, what I want to do, what I have potential to do only to be knocked down by those in charge who don't believe in me.

I feel I have let so many people down recently, but most of all. By feeling this way..I have let myself down the most. Where is my drive? my ambition? my curiosity for life....better yet where is life itself in me?