Stop hiding from the one who sees it all.

Frederick Buechner - an American writer and theologian as well as an inspiration source for many readers - once said, “What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else.” Each one of us crave the freedom to be who we understand ourselves to be in front of everyone we meet, and then have them accept us without judgment. This longing for a natural and honest relationship is no different for Christians when it comes to our relationship with Christ. Then why is it when we desire and long for these open and honest relationships do we push them away? We spend so much time and energy on hiding away our struggles and our failures in order to keep up the charade of “perfect Christian or lifestyle” that we begin to live a life as a slave to the secrets that we have hiding away. Those secrets, the ones we think we are hiding from God (and maybe we are hiding from others) can ruin our relationship with Christ.

Freedom can only come by going to God and unloading our secrets to Him. He already knows every “secret” you have been hiding from Him but open it up to Him and show Him the dirty truth. After sharing with Him, share those same struggles and secrets with someone you can trust and whom will work through them with you. When we refuse to get real with those who love us, it is unloving to them and when we hide who we really are from those who are closest to us, it downplays our relationship with them.

As a Christian if we truly believe that Christ’s blood set us free from all the guilt and sin, then why do we hang on and bury all these secrets filled with failures and struggles? Let them go, give them to God. As His child, He has forgiven you; now begin the process to forgive yourself. “Our security and identity are found, not in our ability to hide our shame, but in God’s unconditional mercy.” –Josh Shook

 <3

Hey Jon...

I was driving to work yesterday. Just like everyday... but then I noticed how the sun was shining so beautifully and there was such a perfect breeze, the leaves were changing colors right before my eyes it seemed like. It made me remember all those fall days at Berry. The afternoons I would sit outside on a blanket to do my homework. I remembered how we would talk about that stuff all the time. It made me miss you so much. - I wanted to tell you how beautiful Barnsley Gardens is and take you to see it, to enjoy the beauty God had created. But I can't. It brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart to know that I can't talk to you about the things we used to discuss...the things we used to argue and fight over. As I was driving "God gave me You" came on the radio. Tears streamed down my face as I remembered the night we argued over the initial singer/songwriter of that song. It's hard when I needed more time and you were taken away. I won't even be able to go to Mountain Day this year because last year you were the only one who said hello to me when I was there. This year, I don't even have you. After six  months, I still miss you for so many reasons, and I am still so full of regret for what was left unsaid.

<3

Look! Look! ... tears.

Memories, they can hit you at the most random times. They can bring the biggest heartache one can bear in a single moment....a split second, a single thought, the sight of something seen a million times before; these things can tear you apart within no time.

My favorite thing is to see the sun setting. The colors bold, bright, and warming up the entire sky...makes my heart feel more than anything else in the world.

Tonight, driving home from getting takeout, I saw the sunsetting for the 7000th time; but tonight it was a memory that the sun set on. Tonight I was reminded on the summer of 2011 when I would run screaming at Jon Hardin or text him yelling in excitement....and I went to grab my phone (which I had left at home by mistake) to text him and say "Look! Look! The sky is beautiful!!! :)" Bursting into tears, I thought of all the comebacks he would have sent to me in that moment. As tears streaked my face and my vision of that sunset blurred my heart missed him SO much. I still miss so much, everyday. No matter how much I ignore the fact that he is gone, or I am hurting, or that those things will never change....I still miss him.

If only text messages could reach Heaven and be sent back down....maybe then the loss of someone I love so much wouldn't hurt so bad.

<3

Screaming to the Deaf

Do you remember being alone and getting hurt. And not just ouch, I broke a nail hurt...really hurt. Remember screaming out for someone to help; but, those screams falling on silence. I once heard the phrase "screams fall on deaf ears" - ignorance one could say - even those screams are better than the screams that fall with no one around. At least with someone who is "deaf", they can see someone screaming.

I thought for the longest time my screams were falling upon "deaf" ears. I thought they could at least see me hurting, they could see my pain, the tears being held back in my eyes as I passed them by. I thought they could see the makeup held so much more than just skin imperfections under-wraps.

Turns out, my screams are falling upon nothing. No one is listening, no one is watching, no one there. I'm alone, hurt, scared, and no one can hear or see me screaming. My throat is bleeding and dry, aching. My eyes swollen and scarlet from the tears that no longer come but my body still heaves to produce. The ability to breath takes greater effort with each passing day as each moment my heart is heavier on my lungs. As my heart breaks more and more, the darkness closes in...

Try again?

I've never wanted to totally give up before...never. On anything. Not even on simple things. But these days, I just want to fold....raise the white flag on my life and surrender. I'm tired of fighting so hard for what I know I could do, what I want to do, what I have potential to do only to be knocked down by those in charge who don't believe in me.

I feel I have let so many people down recently, but most of all. By feeling this way..I have let myself down the most. Where is my drive? my ambition? my curiosity for life....better yet where is life itself in me? 

Together: it was all we'd ever need.

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say:I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need.

I cried myself to sleep. All night I tossed and I turned. I called for you, I screamed, you never came. As I awoke to the sun pooring into my bedroom, just as in my nightmare, you were no where to be found.

I would like to say that you only left me in my dreams, my nightmares, but reality is that you just left me. I don't speak of these feelings anymore. No one wants to hear what is going on inside my heart on your behalf. They are right when they say to move on, but my heart hasn't grasped the concept yet.

Many days I find myself still staring down the road, out the window, or just into the sky. I think, today, today will be the day you come back. I still want to believe that you are coming back for me. But as the nightmares speak, you are never going to turn around.

<3

Even sleeping beauty has nightmares...

I close my eyes and I see it. The torture, the tears, the smiles fading into distance. Nightmares. The ones that grip you in fear and drowned you in darkness. Never remembering what occures inside the darkness, I awake, terrorized, my head screaming his name. Pleading him to stay and not to leave me. Each time, reaching over and realizing he is gone. Never to return. Night after night, day after day, this bad ending to the worst movie replays in my head. I miss him. I'm haunted by the sound of his voice trailing off into the unknown distnace. Only to revisit me as soon as I close my eyes.

<3