what if...

"& at the end of the day, we only focus on what holds us together or what separates us..."

What if? We ask ourselves this question everyday...or I know I do. I would love to say that I never second guess what I do in my life and that I know what I am doing all the time. However, this is just not the case...very rarely, if ever, do I ever know what I am doing. I've been through hell, in hell, and back to hell with my life...non of it by desire only by circumstances. But isn't that how everything is done? Circumstances control our choices, and choices control our lives. Many time I look at my life and I think "Wow, this is really screwed up." But is it really? Or is it maybe, just maybe my circumstances, my choices, my hellish background, has put me exactly where God wants me? And I have to again think "What if?" What if my parents had never gotten divorced? I definitely would have never become the woman I am now. I would still be a scarred little girl with no dreams of her own and no idea of what the world could offer. What if I had never given Brandon a chance? [This I think about a lot] and honestly, I would have no idea what love can feel like. I also would have no idea of how strong I can be during heart break... yeah, he was a powerful, wild, and wonderful chance that I am glad I took. It made me see what love could be. What if I had never moved to Rome? This my friends is one of the BIGGEST what ifs in my life, if it is not THE biggest. I always wonder what if I had moved somewhere else? Maybe things at home wouldn't have been so hard...maybe had I stayed home I wouldn't have been so lonely, friendless, lifeless for so long. Maybe I wouldn't have had so many people walk out on me, so many friends stab my back, a lot less downs with more ups. But then what if I hadn't moved? I wouldn't have met one of the most AMAZING, strongest, most talented girls I know {{{La-A}}} and become best friends with her. I wouldn't have an amazing church family and be so close to a wonderful youth minister and his wife....not to mentor some awesome girls. maybe I would have never known if I could handle moving from home. I had to jump...just to see, and results = it's hard, it's really hard but I DID it. feat, beat. And lastly, maybe I would have never met Christopher Glen Simmons...and maybe I would have never had a family like I have with him, a best friend I have in him, and a new found love of life I find because of him. Sometimes I look at him and I think "what if" I had actually gone through with my plans a year ago. Plans to be sitting with Jesus in heaven right now...what if the cutting had taken control of me and the depression ended it all. Tonight, I laid on his bed watching TV with him and looked into his eyes as he told me he was leaving as early as Sunday...and all I could think was what if I never get to lay here with you again and tears filled my eyes. Because just like I am glad my circumstances led me away from the choice to end everything last year...I am glad my circumstances led to the choice of befriending him last September. It really has made my entire life different. And now as I lay here writing, I think what if tonight was the last time we hang out or the last time I ever see my best friend...will I be able to handle that circumstance? Yes, because as I write this, I think of everything I have been through and all we have talked about and done together and how close we have become. And I feel as if its just going to be another adventure for us, together...a what if that we never regret. Hopefully a what if we never look back on and second guess, but a what if that we see bringing us closer. He's not running away and leaving like all the rest, only doing, for him, what is best...

<3