No Goodbye

Tell Me This Isn't Goodbye...

I heard the words escape your mouth, the vibrations of your voice pierced my ear drums like daggers. But even then, I couldn't believe the idea my mind was processing as you spoke. Tears rolled down my cheeks as slowly my senses came together and I understood our whole lives were about to change forever. You looked at me with eager eyes, smiling. I knew this, this was what was best for you. I only wished what was best for you was not what would destroy me. I wished what was best for you was not leaving me. I smiled back at you and reminded you of how proud of you I was, as the words left my tongue my heart stung with anger, sadness, and despair. You were the one who had made it so easy to live the last 5 months. In an instant we had become best friends and now even closer, if that was possible. And in an instant, all of that was to be ripped apart. Your moving. Away from me, away from us, away from a future that could have been. You told me you plan to come back for me and I would never be without you. I have heard it all before and it's never a two way street...maybe this time something will change. Prove to me your not all the same. I promise not to say goodbye, for goodbyes are forever and I never want to see forever without you by my side.

<3

Desires of the Lips

Do you remember your first kiss? I do. The simple pleasure of pure ecstasy joining with the unrelenting draw of your lips to his. For me, it was the most breath-taking, incredible, most satisfying life fulfillment I have ever experienced. Once you've had that first taste of another soul's lips pressed hard but gently against your own, its intoxicating and addictive. It is as if the world stops and everything feels hazy around you. The only thing left visible is the one your kissing. The feeling of that first kiss never leaves your senses. Even to this day, after years between me and that day, I can still close my eyes and imagine it perfectly...not so much who I was kissing but the way it made me feel, the way it made me deeply desire more, the way I wanted that moment to last forever.


That first kiss, first love, first man is long gone out of my life but the desire to be kissed still lives on. With him, I thought I knew what happy was, what satisfied was, I thought I really knew what love was. However looking at where I am now as to where I was then, I was merely semi-happy, faking satisfaction, and luxuriously lusting deeply for a person I thought I knew.


Being here, with you, looking into your eyes filled with passion...I crave to feel the touch of your lips. I stroke your lips with my finger, memorizing the design and the way they feel. Something about this action makes the desire stronger and stronger to kiss you, to taste you. Who knows what the first kiss of a true love can feel like. If your my true love, it must be multitudes better than the desire feels. However that feels, I have no idea...as the desire is the strongest feeling I have ever felt. I want to feel you kissing me hard, so much better than that first kiss. My last first kiss is the desire of my lips.

<3

not the typical New Years Eve

"I want to be the last first kiss you ever have..."

He practically begged her to come "home" for his birthday...which just so happened to also be New Years Eve. Everytime they talked he would tell her a different extravagant and exciting event they could attend to ring in the new year and his 21st birthday. Clubbing in the big city, dinner and a movie, party on the town, watching the local "ball" drop...etc, She was overwelmed with excitment, however she had always spent this particular night with her girls. She let her heart guide her and there she was, dinner with him and his family on New Years Eve.
A few rounds later, he was feeling good and confident. He knew he wanted to kiss her but how would she respond? As the night progressed, he fell more and more for her as she interacted beautifully with his entire family. She won all their hearts. The count down began, and he raced to be beside her. 10. 9. 8. his sister and husband kiss. 7. 6. his mom and dad kiss. 5. 4. he stared deep in her eyes. 3. 2. he leaned in, yes she's going to let him. 1. she moves and says "high five!" with a big smile on her face. He couldn't help but smile back...
She had wanted to kiss him, right up until the count down started. However, that was not her hearts true desire for their first kiss, and she knew it. She wanted it to mean more than "Happy new Year"... she wanted it to mean I'll be here when no one else is or always and forever, I'll be the one for you....something, sappy? Normally she wouldn't have cared what the kiss meant, but with him everything just seemed, different. She wanted everything to be special and mean more. Because life with him was far more colorful and vibrant than anything she had ever experienced before. She things in a different view, like he had turned her whole world around with one hello....she wanted that one kiss flip them upside down together.

<3

Change Everything.

"In life, you never know what the next day may bring."

One year. powerful words, even more powerful reality. One year can change everything about you. One year can take you from who you thought you were to who you want to be. One year, can take you from the lowest moments in life to the top of your life's mountain. This year has been one of those transforming years for my life.
Last year at this time, I was a state of suicide, attempting to take my life two times before any one around me could hear my cries for help. It was a time of pure blackness in my life. As if I had slipped into a black hole of misery, regret, and depression that I would never escape. There was no point in being here, on earth, any longer...I just wanted to go home, to heaven and my maker.
I had begun to hurt myself physically...burning (form of cutting). It wasn't because I didn't know it was wrong, I did. It was more because I could explain, see, and ignore the pain produced from the burns. As I would take the needle and heat it over a candle flame alone in my bathroom, a sense of knowing would over come me only to relapse into severe sadness as the burn would form on my arm.
Returning to school, this sadness only heightened and I began to think of suicide. No one around me saw, no one heard my silent cries, and no one seemed to care that I felt the need to end...everything,
Finally, one friend broke the barrier and answered the cries. He walked with me as I took steps to deal with my pain in non-self destructive ways and let me talk about my scariest thoughts. The night I last attempted to throw myself off a high walking bridge, it was his phone call [sent by my Jesus] that saved me. It also awoke a small flame of burning hope inside my black hole.
Since that moment, I have been through 8 weeks of therapy and finished another semester of college. I have also found {thanks to God} someone who makes me live in happy instead of living to be happy. I have an "adopted" family whom I love for showing me what a family can really be like. I thank God for answering my cries for help and sending that one friend in the moment of the darkest of dark. Because of that, I can write this and live strong in the days to come.
One year, can change everything about you.

<3

dreaming reality

And when reality was just to much to think about, you were my fantasy. A fantasy I could forever run to and drown my fears in. When life became so overwhelming that it almost was not even worth living, your smile would create a whole new world for me to remain. With deep blue eyes like the ocean, I could swim to a deserted island and escape the horrors of the morning. You were my virtual fantasy that I could grasp in my hands and clasp until the pain was gone. The touch of your hands caressing my skin, could send me into a state of complete ecstasy. Every minute with you was a minute I was safe, a minute I did not have to worry about being wounded. You were my fantasy that I wanted to re-live everyday of my life. And when everything became semi livable, my fantasy was awakened and the dream I was living died. Your arms unwrapped my body and your kiss was cut short. A good night was said, but good bye filled my ears. My fantasy now just a vapor in the wind; leaving a living nightmare that is inescapable.

<3

just writing...

Dreams dont always come true...

I close my eyes and let my thoughts of you flow. I carry on a conversation in my mind between us two, as we tell of our hopes our dreams ... all the 'what ifs', if only we could do that. I picture us lying in your bed, your arms around me, my head upon your chest; my fingers gently circle over your skin. My soft lips place a whisper of a kiss on your neck. I can hear the beating of your heart getting louder and faster. In my mind, your lips capture me and hold me there in ecstasy. We look in each other's eyes, lost...no, found. I feel your hands caress over me as you whisper against my ear. You sweetly kiss me over and over and then wipe away a tear. A slight laugh, mixed with a cry, such beautiful feelings....I sigh. Each time that you touch me, feels like the very first time.

As each night passes, your presence seems more real here with me, but then I open my eyes and realize it was all just another dream. Tears fall from my eyes. Pain sears through my chest. My heart is crying out for you. You do not hear my call, for you are in a distant place. You are here, only in my dreams.

I have tried so hard to fight these feelings I enclose, but I can't do it. I know that I love you, but I didn't want to tell you at first, only because I didn't want my heart to hurt, yet; I can't stop feeling this way. I am so in love with you and this feeling grows deeper and deeper each day.

We only knew each other for a short time but you already have me completely and totally to yourself. I don't even want to think about being with anyone else. I thought that if I stopped talking to you, I would forget how I felt...I thought that if I could keep myself busy, I would be okay, but I can't forget and I'm not okay. I am overwhelmed with feelings for you. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your touch. I need you. Nevertheless, most importantly, I love you.