Dear Chris...

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I'm emotionally drained from just wanting to see your face and wanting to hear your voice. Wanting that best friend who stood beside me for months without judging me on my past, on my family, on who I didn't/don't know I am. I miss that person who just cared about me...for me. I hate, absolutely hate that I became someone you were so comfortable around that I became invisible. I became someone you forgot was fragile, because whether I admit it or not I am. I've been hurt so many times that duct tape won't even hold me together. But somehow, you always made me smile, even when I was broken into a million pieces. Because I knew you were going to be there for me. I hate that you aren't here anymore. And I hate that cry so much over the whole situation. And I hate that I still walk down the hall to your room, hoping you will be sitting at your desk. And I hate that I sit at the bar and pray that I hear your music come thumping up the driveway at any given minute. I hate that even at church I still walk into the youth room expecting you to be playing around with some of the guys. I hate that at Bible study I still look around to see your face, hoping your reading my mind. But no matter where I look, your never there. I hate remembering all the memories I love because they remind me that in reality its all I quite possibly have for the rest of my life. I can't stand that you left the way you did. You didn't even walk me to my car that day...just left me. I cried for days...weeks. You said nothing would change, but I knew it wasn't true. You never call, or apologize; we never talk about anything worth anything, all you ever talk about to me is stupid alcohol. I don't care about the alcohol!!!! I care about you. I care about having you in my life 40 years from now, not going to see a headstone with your name on it. I know you don't really act like you care about that but I know deep down in there somewhere, you do. Your not invincible, neither of us are...no matter how tough we act. I just hate how we have drifted so far apart and how much you hurt me with your words and actions and you don't even know it. I just really hope one day you realize just how much I care about you and how much I hate spending one day without you by my side. I miss you...I miss us. and a day without you is like a honey bee without a daffodil. pointless. I love you, Tushie...I just want the guy who I love to come back into my life.

<3

Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect.

Lord,
I don't get it. I don't understand why this always happens. It's like you bring someone amazing into my life, just to let me get used to them being around and then BAM! you remove them...they are gone, out of my life. Wanting nothing to do with me. I know you do things for a reason, a purpose behind the pain...but what am I missing?! Why must I go through all this pain. Why trust anyone when all they do is walkaway? Can't they hear me screaming??? Can't anyone see the pressure I put on myself...to be perfect. To be perfect so people stop turning away. I just want someone to be comfortable with, let down the guard, someone to trust...but how can I when every time I try they rip me apart. I'm so afraid of people. I just want to crawl in a big hole and be alone forever because I don't want to feel this pain anymore. And scaring me worse is the thoughts I had demolished are building up again. It's like no matter how hard I try, I fail. Sometimes I wonder if You are going to leave me one day as well. In reality and in my heart I know You are never going to do it, but my fear puts these awful illusions in my head.
It's like I'm in a glass box with painted brick walls. I can see everything happening around me, but no one can see what's going on inside. Can't anyone hear me screaming for help?
I just want to be enough for someone, enough to live, enough to love, enough to stay.

best

I just don't get it. You said we would be each other's best forever. You said I was still your best the day you drove away. You said i was still your best the day you let me go and when I drove away, out of driveway...away from you, possibly for good... so how does that work...being your best? Is it just words you say...no feelings behind them? Or is it that you're just to scared to actually admit what they mean to me, to you, to us. Was it really that I am your "best", or was I just the "best for now" girl... maybe I was just a temporary fix in your life. You know you used to say how much you missed me and a day after I would be gone you would be ready for me to come back..to come home, as you would say. What happened to that? Did you, like all the others, just wake up one day and feel absolutely NOTHING for me? Feel no sadness at the way I held everything in having you by my side? Feel no happiness for when we were together? Feel absolutely no remorse for just dropping me as you live out the rest of your life. Where did the friendship go? What happened to best friends forever...I guess I missed the memo that forever had a due date these days. I miss you, or, I miss the best friend I used to have...not this guy, this guy who cares nothing about me or how I feel. I don't miss the jerk I've been trying to hang on to for the past two months. But, I miss that amazing, sexy, mysterious, funny guy that I met last September. The guy who no matter what never judged me on my past, my family, my insecurities. But, where did that guy go? Now you just play off of those failures and insecurities I have always told you I fear the most. & even more, I fear losing that guy who made me feel so safe, so alive, so me. I miss my bestfriend, but I don't understand how you could do what you have done to me? Was it my fault somehow?...either way, after I trusted you so much. I still got hurt.

So if I have to leave you
I want you to know that in the end,
it wasn't cause I stopped caring,
it's cause you stopped being a friend.

<3

"There are things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn. & people we can't live without, but have to let go."

I miss him. I know I'm not supposed to and it really isn't even allowed to miss someone like this. Heck! I didn't even date him...we were just friends. : ( But, I think that makes it worse. At least if we had dated I could go through break-up therapy....buy an amazing new pair of heels to pick up the next guy in. However, in just a friendship I can't do that. It doesn't work.

Tonight, I caught myself saying how if I could make "this" happen maybe he would come back...I couldn't believe I said it out loud. But, I did...and I want it to be true. I saw a truck that looked like his. It brought back so many amazing memories. I just stared....and tears fell down my face.

I miss him...I miss my best friend...I miss everything we had together.

<3

& she lost...game over?

She thought she had found what she had never known she was missing. She thought *finally* someone was going to stand beside her even through the rough spots. & God knows, she had really big, deep, mountainous rough spots in her life. But, he promised he would never let that impact what they had together.

Well, she soon found out that he was nothing but a lie within himself. She wonders now if he ever even cared, or if it was always just to benefit himself. Was he ever really concered of how she was? Did he ever really care if she was around or was she just someone that cared for him and he desired the attention. No matter what, once he left, deep down she knew he was never coming back...but she wanted so bad for him to be different in her life and not just walk away like everyone else seemed to do. She wished, hoped, prayed, dreamed for him to never leave her {alone}. He was her bestfriend and she had given her all to be with him because he made her feel alive. But now, all she felt was hurt, pain, abandoned. She was a person, a real person...not some old toy to be left and never returned to. But he had done exactly as all the rest...he had walked away. & it killed her to know, that no matter what she tried, he would never be returning. Game over...& she had lost.

<3