A Whole New World

Proverbs 3:5 & 6 --> "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

 

In 2009 I trusted God to take me to a new city, a new school, a new life. I found no easy task set forth in front of me. Being in two places at once is impossible, much like serving two masters...you can never make both satisfied. For over a year I tried to make it work living two different lives. In my hometown, the girl everyone knew me as.....in the place God had brought me, the girl God was shaping me into.

I struggled with this logic, living two separate lives. About 7 months ago I heard God calling me. Through ministers, circumstances, and a heavy heart. With memories dancing in my head, I let go of the life I had known in my old town. With this, I sacrificed friendships I had held onto for a years, a lifetime. I sacrificed seeing my family. I sacrificed the comfortable lifestyle of always knowing enough money was in my dad's pocket.

Unlike Abraham, I had doubts about this sacrifice. It took me months to finally let go of everyone I had worked a lifetime to hold onto. I know, those relationships will never understand why I had to let go. It was no longer God's will for me to chase people in my life who never wanted to be caught. To hold onto those who in reality, as much as it hurts, were not helping me become the young woman God wanted so badly to mold me into, not helping me glorify Him in the way He intended. They will never understand why I walked away.

He has molded me into someone totally different than the girl I was 2 years ago when I moved...even different from the girl I was 7 months ago when I heard Him calling and decided to sacrifice all I had known. It's still me, but not the same. He is using me in powerful ways, mighty things are being done to further His kingdom, to glorify Him, and to just simply love.

From time to time I reminisce on that old life. Many great memories live on in my heart. It's not that I don't love and miss those people who planted seeds, the friends who inspired me, and the life left behind; I do. But this life, following Him, is so much more than any simple human being can give me that the sacrifice seems small. Sometimes, to find out what we were created to do, to handle, to live; we must give up and sacrifice what we made ourselves.

One day, I hope those I stopped chasing will be able to realize what happened in my heart to lead the actions taken. I will ALWAYS be here for those people...I have never stopped loving, only stopped living a lie and begun living His truth.

"Sometimes, we just have to let ourselves be free."

<3

sometimes, timing is just bad...

& all I thought I knew at that time was that I loved him. I loved him and it scared me to death. I kept trying to talk myself out of those feelings. The longer we were apart the more my heart longed to be with him. The more we talked, the closer we got, as we shared deeper and deeper secrets-goals-fears-desires...the more I fell; hard, fast, freely. It was as natural of a feeling as when I shot a free throw. When I was with him, I was a princess, but I never needed saving because who wants to be saved from the one person who triumphed all the feelings you've ever felt. The pain from my past was like a day old papercut, the confusion of my future was like an intriguing mystery, and the present was perfect enough to capture in a million pictures and keep forever. Most people say when the one they care about most smiles at them, that is when they feel the weakest...but me? Nah, leave it to me to have been individualistic enough to look at his smile, and in that moment feel the strongest. I would catch him loooking at me, and feel beautiful, not bashful.

But sometimes, no matter how you felt.....the other person doesn't feel the same. Sometimes they lie to themselves because they are so scared of you in those same moments that their weakness leaves you heartbroken. Sometimes, timing with people, is just....bad.

He used poor fisherman...why not me

This week I lost "things" in my life; "things" I thought were solid, stable, unmovable in my life. But, in 1 week they were gone, never to be looked back on. I was unable to get into a school this semester....college was taken from me. Two days later, my job was taken from me. No longer will I see that girl who always wears cute heels walking to class in front of me on campus, no more will I here the laugh of my co-workers during the down times. This, completely made me want to lock myself away and throw away the key, hoping no one would ever find me.

However, instead, I held my head up...closed my eyes, and thanked God that I was still in the city He had me working so diligently for His glory. I went to Step Up weekend right after I lost my job. This is where we spend 2 days with up-coming 6th graders to get them more comfortable with being in the youth group. Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but God showed up in my heart.

I know I am where He wants me. And no, I don't have bedroom furniture, a bed, cable, hot water....and yes I hang dry my clothes, sit in the dark, and eat food from Big Lots and the Dollar Store.......but how does that even begin to compare with what His followers went through. And who needs all that stuff? Not me....all I need is my church family, and most importantly, my God. After losing my job, I wasn't sure how I would pay the bills this month. In 3 days: I have sold 4 large textbooks, recieved 2 calls about babysitting, and had my church family supporting me and praying me through my tough times. If that aint God showing up in a small girl's life, then I don't know what would be.

I am thankful for the tragedies I faced this week. Because without them, how would I be moving on to the next step in His perfect plan for my life....and the perfect step to bring Him glory.

Sometimes we just have to have it all taken away to see what all we have.

strength reminders

Wounds heal. But, scars last forever.

Many people look at scars as mistakes, regrets, inperfections. But to me, I love all my scars. On the skin, outside, say I took a chance...and maybe it hurt me, however I am still here and better off because of it. This is the same for my scars on my heart. The breaks have healed but those scars will always be there to remind me that chances taken are lessons learned and those lessons are what make us strrongest. Where would I be if I had played my life as safe as possible...still in the duggout. Only when you take the chance can you find out what sliding into home plate feels like. And yeah, scars may occur through second and third base, but look at what they helped you accomplish.

"Forget the risk and take the fall. If it's meant to be, then it is worth it all."

<3

If you would show up

I would meet you half way, if you would show up. I would forgive, if you would ask it of me. I would forget, if you would only care enough of me to want a new beginning. However, I am not strong enough to travel the distance entirely alone. To have you never turn around, only to keep running ahead. For you to take my forgiveness and drop it at my feet like a dying rose that is thrown out. I am not strong enough to forget and have you destroy me all over again like I never traveled to the end of my heart for you. But, I would meet you half way, if you would show up...

<3

. . .

I'm going to remember us. As we were not as we are. Bottle up those feelings, pictures, and smiles...pack them away for another day. I don't want to forget who we were together, what we had; but, I do however, want to forget how you walked away when things got rocky, and how you made me feel. I believed your lies and talks of forever. I believed your eyes when they stared into mine. I believed in you; even as you said goodbye.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
I remember that day, like it was yesterday. I remember helping break your bed down so you could pack it in the U-haul. I remember making sure you had all the cords for your computer and sitting in your room as you packed your clothes. I remember walking down the drive way with you, tears filling my eyes. I remember turning and looking at you to say goodbye and you looked me in the eye and said you would be back, not to worry....because you were not like the rest.
"And if I'd a known that dance was going to be our last dance; I'd a asked that band to play on and on on and on." Had I known that would be our last moment as bestfriends, our last moment as having a future, my last moment to be in your arms......I would have begged God to stop time and let me live within that moment. But I never knew you would never return. Like a fool, I believed you would be different, would be back. Like a gullable child I believed you when you said you would never hurt me. Now look, I am the one hurt and you are having the time of your life: without me.
I hate it. I hate the alcohol. I hate the town you call home. I hate you for making me go through this after I told you how hurt, scared, and upset it made me.
Why couldn't you have just kept your word, or kept your mouth shut. You won't even say you miss me anymore. Because whether I want to admit it or not...you don't care about me. I'm just someone you used to make life exciting for a while until you could move on and find someone better, prettier, with less baggage.
Like the rest, I was just not good enough to make you stay.
"And she wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay. She's answered by the taillights shining through the window pane..."

<3

Dear Chris...

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I'm emotionally drained from just wanting to see your face and wanting to hear your voice. Wanting that best friend who stood beside me for months without judging me on my past, on my family, on who I didn't/don't know I am. I miss that person who just cared about me...for me. I hate, absolutely hate that I became someone you were so comfortable around that I became invisible. I became someone you forgot was fragile, because whether I admit it or not I am. I've been hurt so many times that duct tape won't even hold me together. But somehow, you always made me smile, even when I was broken into a million pieces. Because I knew you were going to be there for me. I hate that you aren't here anymore. And I hate that cry so much over the whole situation. And I hate that I still walk down the hall to your room, hoping you will be sitting at your desk. And I hate that I sit at the bar and pray that I hear your music come thumping up the driveway at any given minute. I hate that even at church I still walk into the youth room expecting you to be playing around with some of the guys. I hate that at Bible study I still look around to see your face, hoping your reading my mind. But no matter where I look, your never there. I hate remembering all the memories I love because they remind me that in reality its all I quite possibly have for the rest of my life. I can't stand that you left the way you did. You didn't even walk me to my car that day...just left me. I cried for days...weeks. You said nothing would change, but I knew it wasn't true. You never call, or apologize; we never talk about anything worth anything, all you ever talk about to me is stupid alcohol. I don't care about the alcohol!!!! I care about you. I care about having you in my life 40 years from now, not going to see a headstone with your name on it. I know you don't really act like you care about that but I know deep down in there somewhere, you do. Your not invincible, neither of us are...no matter how tough we act. I just hate how we have drifted so far apart and how much you hurt me with your words and actions and you don't even know it. I just really hope one day you realize just how much I care about you and how much I hate spending one day without you by my side. I miss you...I miss us. and a day without you is like a honey bee without a daffodil. pointless. I love you, Tushie...I just want the guy who I love to come back into my life.

<3

Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect.

Lord,
I don't get it. I don't understand why this always happens. It's like you bring someone amazing into my life, just to let me get used to them being around and then BAM! you remove them...they are gone, out of my life. Wanting nothing to do with me. I know you do things for a reason, a purpose behind the pain...but what am I missing?! Why must I go through all this pain. Why trust anyone when all they do is walkaway? Can't they hear me screaming??? Can't anyone see the pressure I put on myself...to be perfect. To be perfect so people stop turning away. I just want someone to be comfortable with, let down the guard, someone to trust...but how can I when every time I try they rip me apart. I'm so afraid of people. I just want to crawl in a big hole and be alone forever because I don't want to feel this pain anymore. And scaring me worse is the thoughts I had demolished are building up again. It's like no matter how hard I try, I fail. Sometimes I wonder if You are going to leave me one day as well. In reality and in my heart I know You are never going to do it, but my fear puts these awful illusions in my head.
It's like I'm in a glass box with painted brick walls. I can see everything happening around me, but no one can see what's going on inside. Can't anyone hear me screaming for help?
I just want to be enough for someone, enough to live, enough to love, enough to stay.

best

I just don't get it. You said we would be each other's best forever. You said I was still your best the day you drove away. You said i was still your best the day you let me go and when I drove away, out of driveway...away from you, possibly for good... so how does that work...being your best? Is it just words you say...no feelings behind them? Or is it that you're just to scared to actually admit what they mean to me, to you, to us. Was it really that I am your "best", or was I just the "best for now" girl... maybe I was just a temporary fix in your life. You know you used to say how much you missed me and a day after I would be gone you would be ready for me to come back..to come home, as you would say. What happened to that? Did you, like all the others, just wake up one day and feel absolutely NOTHING for me? Feel no sadness at the way I held everything in having you by my side? Feel no happiness for when we were together? Feel absolutely no remorse for just dropping me as you live out the rest of your life. Where did the friendship go? What happened to best friends forever...I guess I missed the memo that forever had a due date these days. I miss you, or, I miss the best friend I used to have...not this guy, this guy who cares nothing about me or how I feel. I don't miss the jerk I've been trying to hang on to for the past two months. But, I miss that amazing, sexy, mysterious, funny guy that I met last September. The guy who no matter what never judged me on my past, my family, my insecurities. But, where did that guy go? Now you just play off of those failures and insecurities I have always told you I fear the most. & even more, I fear losing that guy who made me feel so safe, so alive, so me. I miss my bestfriend, but I don't understand how you could do what you have done to me? Was it my fault somehow?...either way, after I trusted you so much. I still got hurt.

So if I have to leave you
I want you to know that in the end,
it wasn't cause I stopped caring,
it's cause you stopped being a friend.

<3

"There are things that we don't want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don't want to know, but have to learn. & people we can't live without, but have to let go."

I miss him. I know I'm not supposed to and it really isn't even allowed to miss someone like this. Heck! I didn't even date him...we were just friends. : ( But, I think that makes it worse. At least if we had dated I could go through break-up therapy....buy an amazing new pair of heels to pick up the next guy in. However, in just a friendship I can't do that. It doesn't work.

Tonight, I caught myself saying how if I could make "this" happen maybe he would come back...I couldn't believe I said it out loud. But, I did...and I want it to be true. I saw a truck that looked like his. It brought back so many amazing memories. I just stared....and tears fell down my face.

I miss him...I miss my best friend...I miss everything we had together.

<3

& she lost...game over?

She thought she had found what she had never known she was missing. She thought *finally* someone was going to stand beside her even through the rough spots. & God knows, she had really big, deep, mountainous rough spots in her life. But, he promised he would never let that impact what they had together.

Well, she soon found out that he was nothing but a lie within himself. She wonders now if he ever even cared, or if it was always just to benefit himself. Was he ever really concered of how she was? Did he ever really care if she was around or was she just someone that cared for him and he desired the attention. No matter what, once he left, deep down she knew he was never coming back...but she wanted so bad for him to be different in her life and not just walk away like everyone else seemed to do. She wished, hoped, prayed, dreamed for him to never leave her {alone}. He was her bestfriend and she had given her all to be with him because he made her feel alive. But now, all she felt was hurt, pain, abandoned. She was a person, a real person...not some old toy to be left and never returned to. But he had done exactly as all the rest...he had walked away. & it killed her to know, that no matter what she tried, he would never be returning. Game over...& she had lost.

<3

Remember

How about those nights we spent

Were my lips to you only for rent?

The laughs we shared, the smiles I sent,

Was this all just entertainment?

Love so strong, lies so believable.

Did not know my heart was capable.

Thinking of you, pain does sear.

Someone new for me is near.

                                   <3

To be the One

I want to be the one, the woman, that you come home to from work every night. The woman who cooks you supper and washes your clothes. I want to be the one who cleans house in a French maid skirt just so you can rip it off when you come in the door. I want to be the one you curl up on the couch with on rainy days and watch a movie. I want to be the woman who has children with you and one day, eventually, spoils grandchildren with you. But, mostly...I just want to be the one woman you love unconditionally until the end of time, plus one more day.

Decision

okay, so I wrote this a while back and found it going through some paperwork...

He reached out and gently caressed my hand
His heart, his arms, I feel the ecstasy.
He smiled, telling me where I soon will land.
The words he speaks, are pure eloquencey.
Next thing I know he is down on one knee
Time stands emotionally still. His heart, my key.
For our age, is this precise decorum?
Yes! explodes from my heart, stops at the lips,
No. slips off my tongue. I need to be free.
His countenance shows this was not his script.
Through his eager eyes I am meant to see,
Our love so true, it can last a lifetime.
Waiting a while, would it be such a crime?

<3

me? afraid? really...?

My dad told me the other day I was afraid of change. That statement, hit me like a ton of bricks, to say the least. Never in my life would I have thought I, Jennifer Justice, would be afraid of change... The Jennifer Justice I used to know was never scared of an adventure. She was always open to whatever the next step in life brought upon her. But now, I just feel so unsure.

How can I leave, walk away, move? I love "my girls" and I am so attached to being there for them. I absolutely adore all the time I spend with them...I have family here, I have my Tushie Face, I have friends (even if most are coupled off and leaving me single). I have a church who supports me, and I have a life...

But,

How can I stay? Isn't the way that I escape is by running...the new start, the no one knows your history, the I can be anything I want to be...isn't that the exciting part? The part that drives me? I'm an adventure, risk taker, I'm an individualist, I am not the ordinary girl so many people have tried to make me. So how can I even be considering settling here? Aren't I the girl who wanted to travel her whole life, who wanted to see everything...big and small. I always believed in there being more life out there than what was right in front of me. Yet, maybe I like what is right in front of me...

"Do what you want to do." This phrase keeps getting said to me over and over and over again. But I don't know what I want. Part of me wants to just pack my car and hit the rode and be spontaneous and ridiculous...but then the other part of me wants to just stay right here, where everything is at least semi stable. I just don't know what I want right now...but then again in a way I do?

just a dream.

sometimes I believe running away would just be easier than facing reality...Will you just run away with me? Let's start our own life togehter. Just us. Always and forever, boo. Oh, if it would only work...if we could stay hidden until the end of forever. Happily ever after in love and living in happy.

& she missed him, terribly

There she was, sitting in his parents house. Even though he was gone and his room was now empty, she still came over two or three times a week to study and just visit. Secretly, she enjoyed these nights just as much [if not more] as his parents did. His dad always made sure she was still doing well, he always seemed to worry about her. That really made her feel like she was apart of the family.

As she sat there, at the counter where they had shared so many meals, she couldn't help but miss him terribly. Remembering all the times she had sat in that very spot waiting for him to get home from work made her want to cry. Fore she knew, that tonight, she wouldn't hear his radio thumping up the driveway, she wouldn't hear the "click" of his key unlocking the front door as he entered the house, and she wouldn't hear him call her name as he walked into the kitchen to find her waiting with a smile.

At these thoughts, the tears no longer could be held within the brim of her eyelids and the dam of her tear ducts broke. As much as she knew in her heart he was doing what was best for him and his life [and she would never stand in the way of that]. Her heart still longed to have him back with her. She just simply missed him terribly.

Forgiving

Sunday, they had a huge fight. What made this particular fight so crazy, so stand-off, so dramatic? It was silent. Very few words were said between them...out loud. But their hearts, their hearts yelled, screamed, cursed, and fought harder than Indians under attack by the white men. They both felt it. Neither did anything about it.

She cried, and cried, and fell into depression within a matter of minutes. Her heart felt as if the battle and entire war had just been lost. Her best friend, her lover, her forever, was gone. Just like that. She wanted to be left alone, but then again she just wanted someone to sit with her while she cried....just sit and watch the sun set on this terrible silent day she had just experienced.

He was mad. Not sure why, he had done exactly what he wanted that day. Gone home, done what he wanted, with whom he wanted. But deep down he was just mad. He had wanted to see her ever since he left but time had just not been on his side. He felt awful...he missed her, but what was he to do.
They spent 3 days in silence. Neither of their hearts could overcome the pride and talk to the other one. It seemed as if they would be void of each other forever....

Finally on day four he had missed her humor, excitedness, and smile long enough. He text her from work. He knew he was in for it, and he was prepared to apologize and crawl on hands and knees back into her life. But, surprisingly to him there she was waiting patiently with arms wide open. I knew you would come back for me, deep down, my heart knew we could stand more than just one fight. We have a better, stronger bond than that, I just needed you here, in front of me, inviting back into your life. I never need elegant gifts or extravagant words. I just need you and an I'm sorry.

No longer are their hearts alone and in pain from fighting and losing the war with one another. But back to where they are supposed to be...together.

<3

Nothing Like This

[I'm not into the idea of living without you]

There's nothing in my life,
I'd say I regret,
But there's something in your eyes that makes me forget,
The times that I believed that love was good as love could be,
I had it all, but I was wrong.

Thought I'd been touched,
Thought I'd been kissed,
Thought I'd been loved,
But it was nothing like this.

You can't describe the sea,
Unless you been there before.
It's just a mystery,
Until your standing on the shore,
And moved by every wave
Taking your breath away like you do,
To me.

Thought I'd been touched,
Thought I'd been kissed,
Thought I'd been loved,

But it was nothing nothing like this.

It's like another life,
Like I haven't felt a thing, until you.

Thought I'd been touched,
Thought I'd been kissed,
Thought I'd been loved,
But it was nothing like this.

 

He's been gone almost 5 days now...my bestfriend. 5 days since he pulled out of the driveway and left me sitting there. I cried oceans of tears and was mad as a wet hen in winter, but non of that is going to make him return. He said he would be different and I said he was lying, but you know...maybe he is going to be the one who proves 1 out of 100 is different. I long to spend time with him, hear his voice, see his face...I long to be with him even if it is just laying there, silent, doing nothing. Because doing absolutley nothing with him is way better than doing anything with any of the others. He's different all right, because when I am with him that's not a fake smile or a fake laugh. I don't have to tell myself to have fun....it. just. happens. Who knows what God has in store for me, for him, for us(?) in the future...I hope it involves us being best friends forever. Up to the very end, until our journey ends. I may find love in someone else, friends in others, and happiness elsewhere in the future...but I know it will be nothing like this. Nothing like being with him on a Sunday afternoon, Friday night, or anytime anywhere, I've had people care, people laugh with me, and people love me....but its nothing like this...with him.

<3

what if...

"& at the end of the day, we only focus on what holds us together or what separates us..."

What if? We ask ourselves this question everyday...or I know I do. I would love to say that I never second guess what I do in my life and that I know what I am doing all the time. However, this is just not the case...very rarely, if ever, do I ever know what I am doing. I've been through hell, in hell, and back to hell with my life...non of it by desire only by circumstances. But isn't that how everything is done? Circumstances control our choices, and choices control our lives. Many time I look at my life and I think "Wow, this is really screwed up." But is it really? Or is it maybe, just maybe my circumstances, my choices, my hellish background, has put me exactly where God wants me? And I have to again think "What if?" What if my parents had never gotten divorced? I definitely would have never become the woman I am now. I would still be a scarred little girl with no dreams of her own and no idea of what the world could offer. What if I had never given Brandon a chance? [This I think about a lot] and honestly, I would have no idea what love can feel like. I also would have no idea of how strong I can be during heart break... yeah, he was a powerful, wild, and wonderful chance that I am glad I took. It made me see what love could be. What if I had never moved to Rome? This my friends is one of the BIGGEST what ifs in my life, if it is not THE biggest. I always wonder what if I had moved somewhere else? Maybe things at home wouldn't have been so hard...maybe had I stayed home I wouldn't have been so lonely, friendless, lifeless for so long. Maybe I wouldn't have had so many people walk out on me, so many friends stab my back, a lot less downs with more ups. But then what if I hadn't moved? I wouldn't have met one of the most AMAZING, strongest, most talented girls I know {{{La-A}}} and become best friends with her. I wouldn't have an amazing church family and be so close to a wonderful youth minister and his wife....not to mentor some awesome girls. maybe I would have never known if I could handle moving from home. I had to jump...just to see, and results = it's hard, it's really hard but I DID it. feat, beat. And lastly, maybe I would have never met Christopher Glen Simmons...and maybe I would have never had a family like I have with him, a best friend I have in him, and a new found love of life I find because of him. Sometimes I look at him and I think "what if" I had actually gone through with my plans a year ago. Plans to be sitting with Jesus in heaven right now...what if the cutting had taken control of me and the depression ended it all. Tonight, I laid on his bed watching TV with him and looked into his eyes as he told me he was leaving as early as Sunday...and all I could think was what if I never get to lay here with you again and tears filled my eyes. Because just like I am glad my circumstances led me away from the choice to end everything last year...I am glad my circumstances led to the choice of befriending him last September. It really has made my entire life different. And now as I lay here writing, I think what if tonight was the last time we hang out or the last time I ever see my best friend...will I be able to handle that circumstance? Yes, because as I write this, I think of everything I have been through and all we have talked about and done together and how close we have become. And I feel as if its just going to be another adventure for us, together...a what if that we never regret. Hopefully a what if we never look back on and second guess, but a what if that we see bringing us closer. He's not running away and leaving like all the rest, only doing, for him, what is best...

<3

No Goodbye

Tell Me This Isn't Goodbye...

I heard the words escape your mouth, the vibrations of your voice pierced my ear drums like daggers. But even then, I couldn't believe the idea my mind was processing as you spoke. Tears rolled down my cheeks as slowly my senses came together and I understood our whole lives were about to change forever. You looked at me with eager eyes, smiling. I knew this, this was what was best for you. I only wished what was best for you was not what would destroy me. I wished what was best for you was not leaving me. I smiled back at you and reminded you of how proud of you I was, as the words left my tongue my heart stung with anger, sadness, and despair. You were the one who had made it so easy to live the last 5 months. In an instant we had become best friends and now even closer, if that was possible. And in an instant, all of that was to be ripped apart. Your moving. Away from me, away from us, away from a future that could have been. You told me you plan to come back for me and I would never be without you. I have heard it all before and it's never a two way street...maybe this time something will change. Prove to me your not all the same. I promise not to say goodbye, for goodbyes are forever and I never want to see forever without you by my side.

<3

Desires of the Lips

Do you remember your first kiss? I do. The simple pleasure of pure ecstasy joining with the unrelenting draw of your lips to his. For me, it was the most breath-taking, incredible, most satisfying life fulfillment I have ever experienced. Once you've had that first taste of another soul's lips pressed hard but gently against your own, its intoxicating and addictive. It is as if the world stops and everything feels hazy around you. The only thing left visible is the one your kissing. The feeling of that first kiss never leaves your senses. Even to this day, after years between me and that day, I can still close my eyes and imagine it perfectly...not so much who I was kissing but the way it made me feel, the way it made me deeply desire more, the way I wanted that moment to last forever.


That first kiss, first love, first man is long gone out of my life but the desire to be kissed still lives on. With him, I thought I knew what happy was, what satisfied was, I thought I really knew what love was. However looking at where I am now as to where I was then, I was merely semi-happy, faking satisfaction, and luxuriously lusting deeply for a person I thought I knew.


Being here, with you, looking into your eyes filled with passion...I crave to feel the touch of your lips. I stroke your lips with my finger, memorizing the design and the way they feel. Something about this action makes the desire stronger and stronger to kiss you, to taste you. Who knows what the first kiss of a true love can feel like. If your my true love, it must be multitudes better than the desire feels. However that feels, I have no idea...as the desire is the strongest feeling I have ever felt. I want to feel you kissing me hard, so much better than that first kiss. My last first kiss is the desire of my lips.

<3

not the typical New Years Eve

"I want to be the last first kiss you ever have..."

He practically begged her to come "home" for his birthday...which just so happened to also be New Years Eve. Everytime they talked he would tell her a different extravagant and exciting event they could attend to ring in the new year and his 21st birthday. Clubbing in the big city, dinner and a movie, party on the town, watching the local "ball" drop...etc, She was overwelmed with excitment, however she had always spent this particular night with her girls. She let her heart guide her and there she was, dinner with him and his family on New Years Eve.
A few rounds later, he was feeling good and confident. He knew he wanted to kiss her but how would she respond? As the night progressed, he fell more and more for her as she interacted beautifully with his entire family. She won all their hearts. The count down began, and he raced to be beside her. 10. 9. 8. his sister and husband kiss. 7. 6. his mom and dad kiss. 5. 4. he stared deep in her eyes. 3. 2. he leaned in, yes she's going to let him. 1. she moves and says "high five!" with a big smile on her face. He couldn't help but smile back...
She had wanted to kiss him, right up until the count down started. However, that was not her hearts true desire for their first kiss, and she knew it. She wanted it to mean more than "Happy new Year"... she wanted it to mean I'll be here when no one else is or always and forever, I'll be the one for you....something, sappy? Normally she wouldn't have cared what the kiss meant, but with him everything just seemed, different. She wanted everything to be special and mean more. Because life with him was far more colorful and vibrant than anything she had ever experienced before. She things in a different view, like he had turned her whole world around with one hello....she wanted that one kiss flip them upside down together.

<3

Change Everything.

"In life, you never know what the next day may bring."

One year. powerful words, even more powerful reality. One year can change everything about you. One year can take you from who you thought you were to who you want to be. One year, can take you from the lowest moments in life to the top of your life's mountain. This year has been one of those transforming years for my life.
Last year at this time, I was a state of suicide, attempting to take my life two times before any one around me could hear my cries for help. It was a time of pure blackness in my life. As if I had slipped into a black hole of misery, regret, and depression that I would never escape. There was no point in being here, on earth, any longer...I just wanted to go home, to heaven and my maker.
I had begun to hurt myself physically...burning (form of cutting). It wasn't because I didn't know it was wrong, I did. It was more because I could explain, see, and ignore the pain produced from the burns. As I would take the needle and heat it over a candle flame alone in my bathroom, a sense of knowing would over come me only to relapse into severe sadness as the burn would form on my arm.
Returning to school, this sadness only heightened and I began to think of suicide. No one around me saw, no one heard my silent cries, and no one seemed to care that I felt the need to end...everything,
Finally, one friend broke the barrier and answered the cries. He walked with me as I took steps to deal with my pain in non-self destructive ways and let me talk about my scariest thoughts. The night I last attempted to throw myself off a high walking bridge, it was his phone call [sent by my Jesus] that saved me. It also awoke a small flame of burning hope inside my black hole.
Since that moment, I have been through 8 weeks of therapy and finished another semester of college. I have also found {thanks to God} someone who makes me live in happy instead of living to be happy. I have an "adopted" family whom I love for showing me what a family can really be like. I thank God for answering my cries for help and sending that one friend in the moment of the darkest of dark. Because of that, I can write this and live strong in the days to come.
One year, can change everything about you.

<3

dreaming reality

And when reality was just to much to think about, you were my fantasy. A fantasy I could forever run to and drown my fears in. When life became so overwhelming that it almost was not even worth living, your smile would create a whole new world for me to remain. With deep blue eyes like the ocean, I could swim to a deserted island and escape the horrors of the morning. You were my virtual fantasy that I could grasp in my hands and clasp until the pain was gone. The touch of your hands caressing my skin, could send me into a state of complete ecstasy. Every minute with you was a minute I was safe, a minute I did not have to worry about being wounded. You were my fantasy that I wanted to re-live everyday of my life. And when everything became semi livable, my fantasy was awakened and the dream I was living died. Your arms unwrapped my body and your kiss was cut short. A good night was said, but good bye filled my ears. My fantasy now just a vapor in the wind; leaving a living nightmare that is inescapable.

<3

just writing...

Dreams dont always come true...

I close my eyes and let my thoughts of you flow. I carry on a conversation in my mind between us two, as we tell of our hopes our dreams ... all the 'what ifs', if only we could do that. I picture us lying in your bed, your arms around me, my head upon your chest; my fingers gently circle over your skin. My soft lips place a whisper of a kiss on your neck. I can hear the beating of your heart getting louder and faster. In my mind, your lips capture me and hold me there in ecstasy. We look in each other's eyes, lost...no, found. I feel your hands caress over me as you whisper against my ear. You sweetly kiss me over and over and then wipe away a tear. A slight laugh, mixed with a cry, such beautiful feelings....I sigh. Each time that you touch me, feels like the very first time.

As each night passes, your presence seems more real here with me, but then I open my eyes and realize it was all just another dream. Tears fall from my eyes. Pain sears through my chest. My heart is crying out for you. You do not hear my call, for you are in a distant place. You are here, only in my dreams.

I have tried so hard to fight these feelings I enclose, but I can't do it. I know that I love you, but I didn't want to tell you at first, only because I didn't want my heart to hurt, yet; I can't stop feeling this way. I am so in love with you and this feeling grows deeper and deeper each day.

We only knew each other for a short time but you already have me completely and totally to yourself. I don't even want to think about being with anyone else. I thought that if I stopped talking to you, I would forget how I felt...I thought that if I could keep myself busy, I would be okay, but I can't forget and I'm not okay. I am overwhelmed with feelings for you. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your touch. I need you. Nevertheless, most importantly, I love you.