Dear Chris...

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I'm emotionally drained from just wanting to see your face and wanting to hear your voice. Wanting that best friend who stood beside me for months without judging me on my past, on my family, on who I didn't/don't know I am. I miss that person who just cared about me...for me. I hate, absolutely hate that I became someone you were so comfortable around that I became invisible. I became someone you forgot was fragile, because whether I admit it or not I am. I've been hurt so many times that duct tape won't even hold me together. But somehow, you always made me smile, even when I was broken into a million pieces. Because I knew you were going to be there for me. I hate that you aren't here anymore. And I hate that cry so much over the whole situation. And I hate that I still walk down the hall to your room, hoping you will be sitting at your desk. And I hate that I sit at the bar and pray that I hear your music come thumping up the driveway at any given minute. I hate that even at church I still walk into the youth room expecting you to be playing around with some of the guys. I hate that at Bible study I still look around to see your face, hoping your reading my mind. But no matter where I look, your never there. I hate remembering all the memories I love because they remind me that in reality its all I quite possibly have for the rest of my life. I can't stand that you left the way you did. You didn't even walk me to my car that day...just left me. I cried for days...weeks. You said nothing would change, but I knew it wasn't true. You never call, or apologize; we never talk about anything worth anything, all you ever talk about to me is stupid alcohol. I don't care about the alcohol!!!! I care about you. I care about having you in my life 40 years from now, not going to see a headstone with your name on it. I know you don't really act like you care about that but I know deep down in there somewhere, you do. Your not invincible, neither of us are...no matter how tough we act. I just hate how we have drifted so far apart and how much you hurt me with your words and actions and you don't even know it. I just really hope one day you realize just how much I care about you and how much I hate spending one day without you by my side. I miss you...I miss us. and a day without you is like a honey bee without a daffodil. pointless. I love you, Tushie...I just want the guy who I love to come back into my life.

<3